I decided to mix things up this year. For the first time in 5 years, I will be missing Carnival in Brazil. I am currently on a sailboat sailing around the Caribbean solo. My goal is to make it to the British Virgin Islands. I feel like I am in high school all over again as day after day passes without any action. However I am not sexually frustrated at the moment. What gives me great pleasure most right now is waking up every morning, making a hot cup of tea and watching the sunrise over blue turquoise waters. And while I was in Nassau, I did hook up with a Colombian prostitute from Medellin that was lingering around the marina while I was there for two weeks. So at least I can still have that memory as I jerk off here alone in my sailboat.
As of today I am 55 days sober. It doesn’t do me any good revealing that I am sober as it plays against my macho saying, “Drink. Fuck. Poop.” But what’s the sense in writing if I am not going to be completely, 100%, honest. I’ve been reading the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book and it’s helped me to stay sober during these days. My goal is to be one year sober. The advantage to being on a sailboat is that I have zero temptations and I am not subjected to the pear pressure of others.
When I first started this blog, I drank every time I wrote. Don’t get me wrong, I had a lot of fun doing so and many laughs. However, as time went on, I could tell that I was going down a dark path. Just this past New Year, I was arrested in Bimini, Bahamas for disorderly conduct. Thankfully the police did not throw me in jail, instead they sat me in a chair at the police station all night long until I sobered up in the morning and let me go. Since then I have not had a drink.
There is that fear that my writing will suffer, not that it was that great to begin with. The only thing that really matters to me is the ability to be honest, both in my life and when I write. My hero, Charles Bukowski, wouldn’t be proud. But then again, I am not Charles Bukowski and it’s about time I stop trying to be.
I grew up in a sober family. My father and all my uncles were drunks that got sober through AA. Still till this day, I’ve never seen my father drunk. He used to bring me to AA meetings with him when I was 12 years old and through my teenage years. Even though I wasn’t happy at the time about going, it gave me a great education. I remember feeling “God” much more so in those meetings than when we went to church. The stories were much better too. The dangers of alcohol was a constant theme throughout my childhood, a childhood that I am very thankful for. About 5 years ago, I made a deal with myself. If I could go Monday through Friday without a drink, I was therefore not an alcoholic and on the weekends I could allow myself to drink, which I did up until this past New Year. However, I couldn’t just have 1 or 2 drinks. Every weekend I got loaded and by the time Monday came, I had one big fat hangover. But still, because I could hold myself off during the week, I was convinced to do as I pleased on the weekend. Deep down, I know that I’m one bad drunk from a huge fuck up and I’m tired of constantly hurting people and ruining relationships with my words.
I am not looking to become a priest. I still very much enjoy mongering. I don’t have air conditioning in this sailboat as I only have the basics. By the time May comes (the heat), I’ll be ready to give up the boat and head back to my beloved Brazil.
yours truly, The Whore Monger